Let's start our humor section again...

Rodney Dangerfield: "Hey whatta Ya Kiddin' Me? My wifes such a bad cook the flies in the backyard chipped in to fix the screen door.... WHOOOOAAAA I'm tellin' Ya I Get NO RESPECT! :P

The Sheriff in a small town walks out into the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'

The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ..........'

and here I am.

Son of a Gun... Blond Men do exist!!!

No offense to the over 50 years olds....I myself fit that category :D
***********************


Q. ?Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who
are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. ? It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage about who they sent an e-mail to?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gee, I remember these.

Cute, Tisa :wink:

That last one took me by surprise....

Tisa said:
Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. ? It will usually pull them out.

Glad you liked that one Phil !

This one would be me

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Holy Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?'

Olympic Announcers' Bloopers

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even somedeaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect
the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it.
In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my
God, what have I just said?"

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair' hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'



The druggist says, 'Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady says, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist says, 'Ouch, better stay off your bicycle for a week.'

OM gosh Cat..those were so funny !

Yes they were. After reading the tear jerker, these had me laughing out loud!! Thanks :D

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a
while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady, "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no!", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the Lambeau Field football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of
Packer fans come and pee through a knothole in the fence, right into my
flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you
know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quietly, with my garden
pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise
him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'''

"Well, that only seems fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays